Moving Away From The Pulsebeat
lonelystarz
Here goes the start of (hopefully) many positive posts.. It being a Thursday and with the new schedules at work Brian, Steven, and I all had the evening off so like every week we went down to Nelly's.. This time in tow with a whole slew of new people.. Joining us for the evening were Kevin, Lester, Amber, Cherry, Sarah, and three other chicks that I didn't bother learning their names because I didn't like them and didn't try being friendly.. Though that bitch in the white shirt is owed a punch for burning me on purpose fawking cow..

All was fine and dandy started at Nelly's then went over to Bishop's to play beer pong.. On the way back to Nelly's is when things got dramatic and then it went all down hill from there lol.. Amber's twin sister by this time was so far gone I don't know how she was standing, but she kept repeating over and over again that she had to be good and that she needed to respect her sister and crap like that.. Her black shirted friend kept saying "fawk that she disrespected you by sleeping with your fiance so you shouldn't feel bad for going after someone she likes.." While that's going on Black shirt is making out with Kevin whose Ex was sitting next to me, she sees them start going at it and takes off for Steven's car upset and all.. The Twin is still going on and on about the respect thing and so Blackie tells her again that she should just forget about her sister and go for Steven like she wants to.. The Twin is finally convinced and gives it a go by calling Steven over to talk to him.. Little does that chick know but I told Steven what was happening so he was prepared for the whole thing.. He goes over but keeps a distance from her.. She starts asking him if he likes her sister and he dodges the question..

Now I was getting a bit bored and focused my attention to the very cute looking Punk that had just sat down at the bar.. I'm talking total Backgammon material.. Brian notices my notice of the Punk and tells me to go talk to him.. I tell him no that's okay you saw how I was with the last one.. He asks if I want him to ask to come sit with us.. I look at the Young and The Hopeless drama scene we're at and tell him no because you know what happened with the last time he did that for me.. So i'm casting some glances his way every few minutes or whatever and sometimes he'd be looking back other times he was watching the tv.. I was waiting for him to finish his beer so that I could have the bartender get him one on me but he was a slow drinker.. He gets up beer in hand, downs it and heads for the door.. Bummer I know..

I go back to the watching the table action and Twin is now passed out with a drink in her hand..As she starts to lean her hand is slowly tipping her drink and Brian has to rush and save it lol.. Amber and Sarah are nowhere to be found, Blackie and Kevin are off in their own world making out, Steven and Brian are meandering around and Lester and I are just sitting there watching it all and laughing about it wishing one of us had a video camera..After about a half hour Steven comes over and says it was time to head out and goes to hit the bathroom before leaving.. Twin hears his voice and BOOM she is up and out of her high chair..She starts going after him but manages only a wobble to the next table and stands there, arm propped up and proceeds to pass back out in a standing position at a table FULL of people including.....dramatic pause.....the Punk!! Woot he came back lol.. Steven rounds everyone up and we head towards the elevators, Twin comes stumbling out and she's pissed her pants!! Now I have been plenty trashed but NEVER EVER EVER have I been so far gone that I couldn't hold my bladder.. I would have been embarrassed for the girl but like I said I wasn't that fond of her or her friends so meh oh well.. Upstairs Blackie is dragging her towards the car but she trips and eats pavement bad...

Brian, Kevin,and Cherry aren't really wanting to leave just yet so we head over towards the wall to discuss staying a bit longer.. Steven is sitting in his car and Twin manages to walk up to him and asks him one last time if he was into her sister.. He says just as a friend..She's tells him to come here and he tells her no he's getting ready to leave.. He gets out and walks towards the wall with the guys.. She is leaning against his car making out with the air and making gestures like she's calling someone over.. I'm sitting on the wall next to Lester and I'm tapping him asking if he's seeing this and he's like "Yeah I do".. He notices her pants and asks me if she pissed herself and I just nod my head and say yep.. He's laughing and telling me that he saw her face plant into the ground earlier..

Back in Steven's car saying goodbyes Twin goes to get in his passenger seat (mind you she didn't ride with him) but Sarah was already sitting in the seat and she pushes Twin off of her.. AMber is yelling at Twin to get in Blackie's car but instead she gets in the backseat of Steven's car and off he goes.. He told me today that he didn't know that she was in the car until he'd hit the highway, he heard the door shut and off he went..

Kevin, Cherry, Brian, me, Amber, Blackie, and White the Whale drive over to Vinoy Park.. As we approach the swings and such Whitie the Whale runs over to the slide, she has a pretty good speed going, gets one foot on the slide to run up it and BOOOOOM.. It had been raining so the slide was wet she face plants into the slide and is eating plastic.. Cherry and I are on the ground laughing our asses off.. Brian can barely stand himself he's laughing so hard.. She gets up and says that it wasn't that funny.. Umm oh yes it was..She later passes out on the moving bridge..

Nothing really happened after that, it got kinda boring so I made a gesture towards Brian that I was ready for sleep.. He drops me off and heads home.. Calling it an interesting night is calling it mildly.. Shit was crazy..

I Think Bad Thoughts
lonelystarz
Trust me I know i'm not one to share my thoughts and feelings with others, at times I wish I didn't have to share them with myself.. I try as hard as I can to make it seem like i'm all together and nothing bothers me but really im screaming my heart out inside.. Kinda like how you see a duck floating along in a pond or whatever, he may seem all cool and calm on the surface but under the water he's kicking his feet like crazy.. Like I told someone the other night, I just feel like I have never had one constant person in my life that I could share things and not be judged to harshly for it.. I do however write out my feelings as a means of release., It at times really does help..I'd much rather be there for others then to try and push my feelings onto them..Just even trying to type what little things are on my mind now is hard because I plan on posting this for others to see and again don't want to feel judged for it..

I can't stand that I never tried to better myself financially so that I would have a better job and a place of my own, instead i'm stuck working at a gas station and living with my dad..Sucks because I see how better off my little brother is and all the things he gets to do and all the places he can go.. All because he did right for himself and got into the Coast Guard.. He saw what he wanted to do and went after it, I still feel like i'm a kid not knowing what to do with myself..There are things i'd like to do but I put myself down alot and think that I wouldn't be good enough or smart enough to do it..I'd love to be able to chill in my own place with a beer or at the drop of a hat go off and do something fun, but I can't because my cash flow is weak..

I wish there were more that I could have done to try and help save my youngest brother from his demons..I think he's gone through so much more in his life then I have that I don't blame him for trying to end it all by swallowing a handful of pills that night.. Had a cop not found and busted him that night he most likely would not be around today..Thankfully now his head is in a much better place and he has this whole new out look on things but it took him getting busted again and sentenced 18 months to get there.. He was just approved a work release so he'll be closer to home which is good..

It's unfair thee amount of negative comments I received for letting my friend crash at my place for a week because of what they see him as on the outside.. I'm done trying to defend this matter because all anyone thinks is that I have the hots for this guy  and I just refuse to see him for "who he really is".. He's not at all how others think but no one will take the time to get that.. I've been told while we're all hanging out that he never talks to me or it seems like he's ignoring me.. That's not the case at all for one thing we're all in a crowded bar who can honestly hold a real convo in such a noisy setting.. One on one hanging out just walking either downtown or through a neighborhood with a few beers in hand is when all the talking goes down if ya'll must know..Only thing that bothered me about him being here was that I felt I couldn't entertain him enough..

This is where the sucky moneyless job would come into play again, but I hate that i'm alone all the time.. If I had the coin i'd be out trying to find a guy to kick with and call my own but alas I can't..I also think that I'm not any ones type really.. Personality-wise I may nail it but all the other categories not so much..LoL notice how this thought isn't that long, well not much more can be said about it what few sentences are there pretty much sums it up..

Those are the main things I do constantly think about..Well there is more to that third one but i'm not going into anymore details about it.. With all that being shared i'll leave you with this piece of lyric and wish you all a good rest of the afternoon.. 
                                                   ♫♫  If you wanna judge my lifestyle  ♫♫
                                                           I'd love to see how you live
                                                           Feel free to cast your stones
                                                  ♫♫  Don't cry when you're found bleeding  ♫♫

Love Me Dead
lonelystarz

It's both amazing and strange how in life most people are blessed with the gift of second chances while others are less fortunate, like myself..How do they acquire this great talent so that no matter how bad they screw up all they have to do is ask for a redo and its theirs?? Sometimes they don't even have to ask, it's like the planets have cosmically aligned and made it possible without muttering a word..

Honest to Benji i've been spending a huge amount of time thinking about Adam, it's been awhile since i've thought about how he's doing and all that and I could never really figure out why lately he's been haunting my head and thoughts..It looks like in less then a month it would have been our 2 year anniversary, it will also be 6 months since he broke my heart and stopped talking to me all together..I'll admit that even though his myspace is set to private that on occasion i'll check up on his status to see how he is..I've tried emailling him to see if he wants to hang out but he always has the same excuse of being to busy..I just don't get how someone says that even though he's breaking up with you he still wants to be your friend and all, that now months later when you try to build a friendship with said person he doesn't want to try..I think it's pretty bad that i've kept his "myspace break up letter" that he sent to me on my birthday saved onto my computer..Everytime I read it all i can think about is how time after time he told me how he kept taking his ex back even though she was controlling and nasty and things like that..I had never treated him like crap not once but when I went and asked him for a second shot (i really did) he said no..He looked at me like i had grown five heads while i asked what went wrong and asked if we could just start over from the beginning..I know now that I was looking all kinds of pathatic and what not but hey can you blame me?? I had just had my heart ripped out on my birthday no less..

What I need is a beautiful distraction to take my mind off of looming reminders of events that should have been approaching...*sigh* I just figure out how to let him go.......

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