What is it that brings you here?? Well my friend in an attempt to help my mother out with a PayPal account she first needed to know her email which she didn't know the passwords to any of them.. Which in turn made my anxiety alert go off on a tangent and so I felt I needed to get onto every thing I'm signed up for to make sure I can access them.. This was my last stop because I had forgotten about it.. And man as soon as I logged in I got sucked into reading all my old posts.. I can assure anyone that might read this, that I am no longer that angry, self loathing, emo gutter punk of a person.. I am so much in a happier healthy mindset that you would think I was two different people all together.. I can't even believe how many toxic people I let take advantage of me and just blindside me with whatever voodoo they used.. Until next time my friends and I promise it won't be long.. Have and amazing day..

"It's okay to be a glowsitck.. Some times we need to break before we can shine.."

Dead and Buried

Don't you dare tell me you have it so much worse then I do.. You don't have one iota of a clue as to the life I've lived thus far.. Your mother may be plotting against you now because of the crap your ex wife is putting you through, my mother walked out on me and my brothers when I was 13.. I didn't get to enjoy an adolescent teenage life, I had to take care of my brothers until they could do it for themselves.. Even then I'm tormented with the choices my youngest brother made because I feel like a failure for his drug habits..
So you don't talk to your parents because your current wife is a raging bitch and has you on a choke chain and short leash. Try having the only remaining parent tell you everyday that your worthless and a piece of shit, or that you're to stupid to breathe and would be dead if it wasn't a natural human thing..
You seem to have all these horrible relationships.. You chose them and chose to get rid of them.. No where is it my fault that you pick woman that try and drag you through the dirt.. Nor does that give you grounds to so the same to me..At least you've had relationships, I can't land a single male if my pathetic life depended on it.. My looks don't even warrant me a second glance from a guy no matter how hard I try.. I chose not to let people in because I hate being at the mercy of other peoples pity.. I am my own pity party of one because at the end of the day I chose either to let it go or to let it keep dragging me down.. I don't like people in my business because I don't like being in theirs..


Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

I feel like I'm living out 50 Shades Of Grey.. One minute you are amazing, full of love, and smiling.. The next you are insane with anger, negativity, and rage.. You go from being warm and inviting to cold and distant within a few minutes.. I don't understand why I'll let you be while your on your phone, not bothering you by asking who always has your attention on there.. Yet the second I pick mine up it's like open season with questions.. What are you hiding that you feel you have to hound me to see if I'm partaking in the same shady things you might be doing?? It's aggravating that you have so many "weapons" to use against me an I have nothing.. Sure I could walk away but then I lose you.. And more often then not you rally are worth fighting for..


You be the hammer, I'll be the nail..

I feel as though there is a battle fighting inside me.. The outcome doesn't look good for either side and there will be more casualties then thought.. My head wants me to leave because it's the logical thing to do with the circumstances I've put myself in.. My heart is fighting to stay because it would do anything to help the man it loves.. The man I'm not supposed to love, but I do.. I tried my hardest to fight it.. I can't even explain the situation because I don't need the ridicule or the resentment or the backlash.. In the words of ADTR " I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable, reserve my right to be afraid.. I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.. I want to be a better person.. I want to know the master plan.. Cast your stones, cast your judgement you don't make me who i am.."


Desperate Measures..

What do you do when you have finally found who you've been looking for?? That one perfect guy that you know was meant for you.. The one that makes your heart beat so fast every time he looks at you that you swear he can hear it thumping against your rib cage..The one that looks at you with those eyes that'll make you feel like the only one in the room.. The one that makes you think of him the second you wake up to the second your head hits the pillow, but even then you ache to dream about.. The one that makes you choke on your words when he enters a room because of how amazing he looks to you.. The one that you'd would do any thing for so that you could keep him forever.. The one that.. Absolutely wants nothing more to do with you because he's grown bored after two months.. The one that used to always blow up your phone via text or FB but now not even a good morning.. The one that now is always on his phone messaging someone else the way he used to do with you.. The one that used to tell you he loved you but now won't even so much as say goodbye when he leaves..What do you do when your heart is telling you its breaking but your head won't listen?? What do you do when all you want is to go back, fix what's wrong, and hope it never happens again?? What do you do??


Your Nickle Ain't Worth My Dime..
Dear sir #1,
I no longer feel the need to be in contact with you any longer.. Though you have swindled a decent amount of coin from me over the past three years now, and I being the idiot for allowing it, I can not and will not let you do it from my friends.. Especially when these are new friends.. Surely your failed attempts at calling me have finally fallen on your deaf ears.. I'm tired of being the person you can come running to when your life restarts it's always downward spiral.. Go ahead and count me out of your housing plans as well.. Living with you would only end up in a nightmare, because other than a few choices in music we have nothing in common with one another.. We can't even keep a decent conversation going without it lagging into a VERY uncomfortable silence.. I'm pretty sure I could go further on with this but I'm getting to the point where talking about you is getting annoying.. So you sir just keep doing what your doing because it's the only way you know how.. I'd feel bad for the next poor bastard you fall upon, but it they can't see you coming.. Well than they deserve it just as much as I did..

Dear sir #2:
You completely fascinate me.. I don't know what it is but every time our group is together I feel drawn to you.. Even when I keep a safe distance I can't help but glance your way every so often.. There are even times when you are looking back at me.. You are so quiet and it usually takes a beer or three for you to creep out of your shell.. You and I have many things in common.. Bottom line I think you are adorable and handsome as all get out.. You seem incredible smart, are well established as far as job and living goes.. Your photography is pretty badass.. You have tattoos and a piercing.. Even your cat is awesome.. I know that I could go on and on about you.. You are perfect.. Not a flaw that I can see.. Or maybe their there but I'm to blinded by your sheer awesomeness right now that they haven't surfaced.. I wish I weren't so shy and had the guts to say these things to you in person.. I just don't like putting myself out on the line though because I've been hung by it so many times..

Alone Together
Ever have so many wild thoughts flying around your head that it makes writing impossible?? It's happening right now.. There are so many things I want to say but I can't grasp the right words that would make any sense to anyone.. Not that very many or anyone reads this, but it is the internet and things have a way of getting out..

I was once asked a question a few years ago that on occasion creeps it's way into my head.. "What are you thinking??" When I hear it in my head I try my hardest to come up with answer.. Most often there isn't one which makes me wonder if I'm as smart as I think I am.. Am I just going through the motions of life without putting any kind of thought into it?? Am I so full of problems that instead of facing them and trying to over come them, I just ignore them??

This passed weekend I was told that I was hard to read.. I always thought I was a wide open book to the point where the spine was cracking from being open so much.. People have always been able to tell my moods just from my facial expressions.. They know when to joke around with me and when not to.. There are times when I'm so animated with whats going on around me that people can't get me to shut up.. But more often then not I'm usually quiet and taking in my surroundings.. Feeding off the vibe that my friends omit and either enjoying the good times or listening to them talk about their problems and offer up the best advice I can give them..

Perhaps there is nothing wrong with me after all, because the same person that asked me what I was thinking was the same one that said I was hard to read.. I've never been one to judge but maybe they should be asking themselves those questions rather then pass them on to me.. They might be the one thats hard to read or not thinking clearly..

"Fun" Facts if you will..
* I have a mild case of OCD.. My shirts, dvds, and cds are in alphabetical order..And I do count flights of stairs but only if it's the first time I've gone up or down them..
* I can't have the radio volume on odd numbers because I hate odd numbers..
* My favorite numbers are 13 and 27.. Yeah I can't understand that one either..
* Purple, black, and grey are my favorite colors..
* When I'm driving home there is a certain house on my block i'll undo my seatbelt..
* I have Tinnitus, which is a constant ringing in the ears, so I have to sleep with some sort of background noise like a radio, tv, or fan..
* You'll know when I'm past my drinking point when you start to hear my Brooklyn accent come out lol..
* I have the memory of an elephant..However I can't remember anything before I was 13..
* I always say I hate the beach but I really don't.. Well certain things about the beach I hate but not the beach itself..
* I love going camping, fishing, and just being outdoors in general when the weather is amazing..
* Christmas is a hard holiday for me to handle..
* I don't plan things on or celebrate my birthday because I've have never had a good birthday to date..
* I love to hug, even random people at bars..
* I'm very laid back and never really jealous..Maybe thats why the next one is bad haha..
* I've only been in three relationships and they were all bad..Jump into them to quickly without getting to really know the guy I guess..
* There is a guy in Ohio that I think about at least once a day.. Crazy thing is I've never met him in person..
* If i'm in a room full of adults and kids, you'll find me playing with the little ones.. They are so neat..Maybe one day i'll have one of my own..
* Out of my ten tattoos the one on my leg means the most to me..
* My favorite lyric out of any song is of course a GC song.. "The scars run deep inside this tattooed body..Theres things I'll take to my grave..But i'm okay.."
* I love taking road trips solo..Having a partner in crime does make it funnier though..
* I love to sing but not around people..
* I talk in my sleep..
* I draw on everything..
* If you've ever noticed the black line on my front tooth, it's from falling out of a tree when I was little.. Hit my mouth on a fence and my tooth popped out.. From that black line down is fake..
* I was a band geek from 7th to 11th grade.. Alto saxaphone whats up..
* It's no secret I hate this town and want to get out..
* I have the meanest attitude you could ever come across..
* My first concert was New Kids On The Block lol..
* Middle school I was a teeny bopper into all the boy bands..
* I used to talk alot..
* I love when people tell stories..
* I have an over-active imagination and it runs away from me all the time..
* I really love writing..
* Except for this entry all of my entry posts on here, Myspace, or in my journals will have songs for titles..

A Portrait Of The Artist
Anyone whose known me for a long amount of time know that I am most comfortable wearing jeans,band shirts, and my chucks.. I'll even throw on a hoodie every now and again.. Never been one for dresses, skirts, or heels (to flat footed for that)..Not saying I don't use one, butt don't like carrying a purse because all I need is my phone, keys, and cash..I'll wear a messenger bag that's it.. This is the way I've been dressing since my second year of high school.. This is the way I will continue to dress until I decide to change it up.. I have recently started wearing skirts and that is only when I go downtown sometimes or over to Ybor..
I don't understand what it is about me that I guess gives off this lesbian-ish vibe, but I'm over it.. I am not gay, I have never even thought of wanting to get with a chick in my life, I don't keep that many girls as friends because I don't like hanging out with them.. I've grown up with two younger brothers that like to pick on me and beat the crap out of me to this day.. I used to hang out with them and their friends playing Manhunt and Capture The Flag rather then sit in some cotton candy bedroom braiding hair and playing with barbies..

Ever since high school I've been asked numerous times if I were gay.. I even remember the first time it happened.. My best friend's mom asked if I was because I had a wallet chain and my pants were slightly baggy..I wasn't rocking a long ass chain like they did, mine was a short little one, and my pants weren't sagging off my butt, I just didn't like how constricting skinny jeans were at the time..Never really put much thought into it because all my friends had wallet chains and wore their jeans baggy..But that night when I went home I took off the chain, never wore it again, and my jeans got a bit skinnier.. All because I didn't want to come off as a lesbian..
It seems I can't win and everyone assumes that I'm gay right off the bat before getting to know me..I can't get my hair cut short because the jokes will start up again, I can't keep it long because that makes me look like a dyke also..
I hate this feeling of being confined into a label that has me not wanting to do what I want but what others want so they'll leave me alone..I've been doing it for so long now that I'm getting tired of it, and if it keeps going like this it'll only help me leave that much quicker and sooner..

My Outlook On the Whole Craig Mabbitt/Ronnie Radke Debate..
     It seems every time I get on Youtube, to enjoy an Escape The Fate video, I skim through the comments a bit and it's always the same argument over and over again.. Craig Mabbitt sucks Ronnie Radke is better or vise versa.. I understand that the internet gives people a way to "voice" their opinions but come on guys the on-going argument over who is the better lead singer is really dumb..  It's not going to make Craig leave and Ronnie come back..I'm sure none of you know who or what I'm talking about so I'll do my best to give you a quick history lesson on what I'm talking about..

           Ronnie used to be the lead singer of a band called Escape The Fate but was kicked out for either A.) drug problems  B.) being arrested or C.) both.. There are stories that claim Ronnie was in violation of probation for his drug use and other stories claim he was being charged for murder back in 2006..Whatever the real reason the dude ended up in prison for five years because of it.. The murder charge one, he  didn't even pull the trigger that left an 18 year old dead,his friend did but he took the fall for it.. Rather then have ETF disband his now ex-friend and ex-band mate Max decided to keep the band together..

           Craig had been in another band called BlessTheFall but had left the band in the middle of a tour to be with his daughter and watch her grow up..He also wanted to find himself again because he wasn't sure if music was what he wanted to do.. After he decided that music was his thing he tried getting back into BTF but they said it would be best if he didn't come back..

           From my understanding from reading interviews from both parties, both Ronnie and Craig were friends while Ronnie was still with Escape The Fate..Craig had even done some backup singing for the band.. When Ronnie got put away Max asked Craig to step up.. Of course Craig did and now Escape The Fate is the band it is today.. Ronnie is now out of prison, pissed off at anyone in ETF,  and in a whole new band of his own called Falling In Reverse..

            I own "Dying Is Your Latest Fashion", "This War Is Ours",  and "Escape The Fate".. Ronnie is lead on the first one and Craig is lead on the other two.. Both guys are amazing and just bring a sound that is their own and you can tell the overall difference.. Ronnie brings out a softer more mellowish side of ETF whereas Craig brings out this hardcore in your face type of ETF.. I plan on getting Falling In Reverse's  "The Drug In Me Is You" when it comes out in a few weeks.. If I love it or hate it it'll be because of the overall sound of it and not because of who is singing.. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is that to me it seems no one can look past who singing and actually enjoy the music for what it is..And that's just really sad..


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